Discovering muddiness, trust and colors
By Maria Stensvold Ånonsen
Muddiness
This sharing started as a muddy journey. I drafted a text and noticed how I wrote words I thought would be nice and wise in stead of following my own heart. As some of you, I have experiences that has led me to believe that I need to judge, haste or be harsh with myself. This time, watching myself writing to do and be good, awakened me to re-write. To anchor into my heart I put my text away for some time. When I re-read what I had been writing. One word stopped me: mud.
Where I live, there’s a small river, and I take most of my walks alongside her. A lot of flowers has come up around her the last weeks, and a thought struck me: When seedlings bursts up from the soil, growth has been on its way for a long time. And where do the most important growth happens? In the muddiness. As a human being its so easy to push muddiness away. However, look and feel into what mud, wet dirt, stones, sand and insects impact what’s growing! It’s precisely what creates nourishment. Our roots needs to be tended to with care, and nature mirror care as lingering. No judgement. Slowness. Presence. Darkness and nothingness. This is where creation starts. Can we trust that nature also guides life in us?
Questions to reflect upon when you journal:
Where do I rush myself into growth?
How are nature holding the landscape where you live? Can nature hold you in a similar way?
What parts of your own journey is muddi right now? Can you embrace this part as well?
Discovering trust
For me, trust has been buried in so much mud that it has been difficult to discover where to start. However, I have just began discovering an old world view with me. When I grew up, God was the life force I was told to trust to avoid hell. At the same time, whenever someone talked about god, god and life seemed separate. God was the righteous one, and life was described as sinful - to be avoided. When we believe something to be separate from us, we live from an underlying fear that it can break, fall a part. We become scared of loosing contact and try to hold on to it or control. Like I tried when I started writing this text. I was so sure I needed to “do good”.
Sometimes, I think we need to discover things entirely in a new way. To be able to do that I need to see my old beliefs. Suddenly, old beliefs keep showing up everywhere, and I can choose to see it as that. Story, not the truth. I wonder what newness can appear if we start discovering trust beyond separatedness?
Leaning into discomfort
When I am scared, I often lean back, hesitant to trust life. It’s so hard to choose trust when much of my life I have been leaning the other direction. However, I can choose trust. I need to start small. Some times the only way I know how, is to breathe with softness.
Where in your life are you leaning back, hesitating to trust life? Is there a place in your body from which you can practice leaning closer? Can you lean in with your upper body? Breath a little bit further down in your belly? Trusting that life has you?
Color and creativity
Writing my PhD thesis, I did a lot of work on creativity, belonging and fitting in. Reading psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott deeply resonated with me. He wrote that human beings discover themselves through creativity. It was through creative artwork and also using photo as a method in my research that I really started to learn more of what I enjoy and want to use my life creating.
One of the things I really enjoy are color. For me, color is intrinsically connected to life And vitality. Therefore, I dress and create with color as much as I can. I almost always put on my rainbow bracelet that was gifted by a close friend. I put on a colorful bracelet I made for myself and I have a long, colorful necklace that my youngest son made for me. I feel resonans when I wear and create with color. Wearing color is an act of remembeing for me, and I really enjoy it!
Take one step closer to remembering
Feel into what nourishes your soul. Is it color, music, dancing, writing, being in nature, connecting with other human beings, silence? Take one action today that make you remember a little more of who you are. Play a song that makes you smile. Take two minutes outside in nature and let the wind toutch your hair. Smile to a stranger.
Do you miss connection and creativity in your life? Take a look at my in person group offering, Co-creation.
Are you curious about Co-creation, but not sure if it is for you? I offer a free call with me to explore. Make contact with me here.
Are you curious about co-creation, but you live in a different place in the world? Reach out and let us talk! Maybe we could summit for a digital course? If so, let me know!
Curious about why I create? Read more about me and my why’s here.
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